Some people are bound in a certain routine that weaves their lives. Some are happy go-lucky people who just go with the flow and always let the chips fall where they may. Some are a bit of both having certain aspects planned and some areas preferred spontaneously done. I, for one, enjoy being spontaneous but still having set goals for the future.
Recently, I have come to the conclusion that somehow I’m experiencing DELAY. If you think about it, it’s kind of annoying being delayed, because obviously I have to wait some more (my views about waiting stated in my previous entry) and of course there’s still a minute amount of uncertainty ringing around it. My application abroad is currently being reviewed and some of my requirements have been rejected several times. Recently I got a letter again saying that I need to revise my documents and somehow the thrill of submitting files, the excitement of knowing the next step seemed to fade more and more over time.
I just remembered an instance when a friend (who was also a nurse) knew that I was applying abroad, told me that personally, he doesn’t desire to go the same way I planned to and asked a very interesting question to me, “Is it really your heart to go abroad?” and I really don’t know why at that time I wasn’t able to answer immediately. But I said “Yes”, it always has been and still is, but now I wonder why I doubted at that time.
It’s one thing for the external stuff to be messed up or don’t go the way you want it to be but it’s another thing to have the internal stuff mixed up as well. I’m not convinced that I’m totally shaken with this thought because helping my parents and growing in my career has always been my goal. But seriously, I’m wondering what is God’s purpose for delaying us, or rather why He is giving us more time.
Is it for me to think more about my decisions? Is it for me to re-evaluate my future? Is it for me to really ponder on my priorities?
Do you sometimes feel you want your plan to succeed as fast as possible because you need it, because it will secure you and it will provide for your family? You want to get over with the must-haves so you can get on with the “other-slightly-neglected-passions”?
The other day at work during a benign moment, my co-workers and I talked about “Where will you be if you’re not a nurse?”. Some said “I’ll be doing business”, “I want to be a traveler”, “I want to try photography”, “I want to be a painter” and the likes. When it was my turn to answer, they said, “You want to be a singer?” and I said, “Maybe, at church!” then I said, “Full-time ministry?” or I thought maybe join Real Life Foundation or any institution seeking to help more and more people.
It is true that “FOREVER IS COMPOSED OF NOWS” as stated by John Green. When your now changes, your future shift gears. At present, I sometimes feel that I am doing what I’m doing or I want to go abroad as fast as possible, so I can come back here right away to start with my ultimate passions. Sometimes, or most of the time, the academic sphere overshadows the artistic sphere, or whatever it is you really love to do; your passion for cooking, singing, painting, acting, writing and so on. Simply because the academics, in general, generates more income than the arts which is so overrated for me. At the end of the day, it boils down to life’s stability and security based on MONEY and sometimes this gets tiring. Personally, I feel that this is not how life’s supposed to be.
So now, regardless of whatever this unpredictability and delay means, I’m choosing to live my life not anchoring it in the comfort or the convenience that riches may bring. I want to defy others’ view of sensibility by going for the things I am passionate about. I no longer want to go with the flow, but I am going to make my own current. Definitely, I will find out what He’s telling me and what He wants me to do. Most especially, I am deciding to anchor my life to my one true King, my refuge and my strength. JESUS.
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