Update 1: In retrospect

It's been ages ago since I wrote anything at all. It has been a rollercoaster I must admit. A lot of changes happened, great things but mostly not that easy. I guess enumerating some of it would be the easiest way for me to express myself.

Love

I have found the love of my life. That's the biggest change that happened. Some would say it was a whirlwind romance. A sudden and unwise decision even. But for the both of us, it was made in heaven, written in the stars, and destined by God. I know it must sound too much, but both of us had faith in "Us" so much that after nearly 5 months of being together, we made it official by tying the knot. At this point in time, after 2 years of being married, life has been tough but by God's grace it has been filled with joy, hope and LOVE.

Obstacles

Everyone has ups and downs and my family and I had some of the most challenging trials I have ever had. I guess it only goes to show that as you grow older and more mature, life will throw greater problems as you surpass each one. Each year I felt that our circumstances have been quite "insurmountable" but when I look at it now it seems minute and not as scary as it was. I guess that's how life works and how God makes you realize in the end that He was in control and He didn't abandon you when you thought He did.

Grace

I think this is what I am most thankful to God for. His tremendous grace to overcome. All these years I wasn't able to write, has been the most grace-filled times I have ever experienced. Probably because it has been full of the most trying and faith-shaking times of my life. Jesus, without You I am not here right now, THRIVING and THANKFUL.

Blessings

After 3 years, I have turned from 1 to 4!!! Me, Jake (the hubby), Zoe and Chelsea!! Two wonderful daughters have come to rock our lives with joy, laughter, cries and responsibilities! More than any material possessions, these 3 are the best blessings God has ever given to me.

Waiting

It has been a waiting game for the past 3 years for us. Living in London has really been a gigantic uncertainty. Until now, I still don't know if we can stay here in the long run.

Waves

This is how I can describe my faith. The honeymoon phase has passed and the high has subsided. I would't say that I am tossed and turned by the world but rather my fervor has been challenged on many occasions. I am fighting to remain zealous and faithful even though I seem to fail all the time. Ultimately, I still know in my heart that Jesus will always be my first love regardless of my mistakes or my lack of faith.

I feel so stoked because I'm writing again. I nearly forgot how I can contemplate on things and just stir up my thoughts in going deeper when I write. The Lord has been so good to me and to my family. Amazing things to come!

My heart ❤

Heart starts quickening
Every time eyes are set on you
A blush, a smile
Never seem to go away
When I breathe the same air as you

My heart longs, my heart waits
Until I am with you
Heart is aching, heart is crying
Until my hand, my touch can reach yours


Tears stream down my face
When I unknowingly hurt you
I never seem to love you the way you do
But you still complete me and you still wait for me

All things are new
Everyday is sweet
Because I have you
We may not be together, but you should always remember
That this heart belongs to you

Someday I'll say yes
One day, will utter "I do"
In the eyes of our Father, our one true love
Because you're the only one for me
No one else will do

Deciphering

A puzzle, a mystery
It's difficult reading you
You pour your heart one second
Then you sink beneath you

Deciphering between the lines
Of what's concealed inside
Desperate to see a spark
Something that'll ignite my heart

But all of it was nonsense
One-sided again
Always the one to open
Always the one to mend

Holding it all in
I face you with a grin
A mask to hide the burden
A facade to keep from hurting

Breaking free
My heart seeks to be steady
Desiring to be calm
Bursting with serenity

Vessel

A face in a crowd
A dust in a wind
Unmemorable
Unrecognizable

From darkness to light
From bondage to freedom
You wiped me clean
And made me gleam

Like a project
A work in progress
Compassion You birthed
For the lost I got burdened

Passion flared
Fire ignited
A runner and an ambassador
For Your cause I became a warrior

You empty me
And stirred my passive heart
Made me a channel
An overflowing vessel

Jesus, make me worthy
Your will, not mine,
To use me, to mold me
To cleanse me and to send me

Now I will bring it back
Now I will lift You up
Now I will sing
That You my Lord is my Savior and King

Heartbeat

Heart beats faster.
Fighting to yield to its reaction.
Afraid to let it loose.
Treading through dangerous waters,
Clinging to reality.

Taking one step forward, I scramble to go back.
Feels like losing.
Pushing and pulling.
Dodging complications.
Refusing to give in.

It keeps beating faster.
Something uncontrollable.
Hating the simple replies and ambiguous meanings.
Avoiding quick glances and lopsided grins.

Resting in Your protection.
Waiting and seeking.
Drawing strength, I bask in grace.
There's no room for emptiness in the love You give.

History repeating itself?

How ironic can this get? It seems i'm going around in circles.. Things always end up like this. Not that i'm saying that this is a sure deal this time, but if i'm not careful, this will lead to the same feeling and situation I was in a number of times before. Always the one to be losing.. I deserve better..

It's a FAITH WALK

I always fall short. No matter how many verses I read from the bible every day, no matter how regular I go to church and no matter how often I pray, I ALWAYS FALL SHORT. I disappointed God by what I said behind a person's back when I was so stressed out. I disappointed Him when I laughed with everyone else over jokes made at the expense of others. I disappointed Him when I snapped at someone who made a rude remark. What I have regretted doing, I end up doing and what I'd like to do for Him, I never get to do. And when guilt eats me up, then He reminds me that it's a FAITH WALK, that I can never do anything without Him. That I am a work in progress. That through Him I can be a better person. I am forgiven and new mercies are available every morning.