A Puzzle I Can't Solve

There's this person who always had an effect on me. I really don't know why, I met him at a time that everything was a mess in my life, I didn't knew God as I know Him now. Everything with him was a blur and a maze that I can't seem to get out of. I got caught with the rush, with the feel of being pursued, yet never outrightly told of what I was in his life. He was a lady-killer, he was flirtatious and had women left and right. Of course I was bothered but withdrawn myself from his mess, I said to myself, "I deserve better!". I didn't want to be his toy and be played around that's why I forced myself out of his situation, I needed to get on with my life and forget him romantically and just be friends. Although, he never really did tell me his feelings, he was still responsible of how he made me feel. He liked to drop hints and remarks that may make me either feel jealous or like him more. It was so unfair,opening my heart for something that might break me.

My friends always said that I was so transparent with my feelings. Without me knowing it, I tend to show my real feelings for a person and that happened, more often than not, with him. Until now, it still amuses me how he really knows me, what makes me pissed, what makes me laugh, what makes me angry, what makes me jealous and what bothers me. He always seem to know how to tap into my emotions and just knew how to use it to bring out an honest reaction from me. It's irritating in a way, how he has that effect on me.

We've been friends for over 2 years now (I think), and I've learned to forget how I felt about him then. I became a christian and God introduced a whole new perspective about things. How I should live my life, how I should treat others and how I should view my love life. For some time now, I have committed myself to stay single (and have a blast) until God will reveal His best man for me and I don't plan to deviate 'coz I know that will also please Him.

Nowadays, I've been seeing this person again and I was surprised to find out that he still has that effect on me (that only he can do). I was shaken for a few moments when again, he hinted his feelings for me. He really is a puzzle that until now remains unsolved. I can't really totally figure him out, I know him somehow, he's really honest to me about other things, even about his past sins and his life before he really surrendered everything to God. But sometimes, I still feel I can't fully trust him and that sometimes I just plainly feel I'm being used whenever he asks a favor and I agreed to help him. I hate that feeling because I know it's not good to feel that for a person, but I just do.

What do I do? I really just lift this friendship to God, I know He is using me for a greater purpose that's why we remained friends all this time. He's now having a rough patch in his life and this is a crucial time for his spiritual friends to encourage and support him. I need to be that person and should not live by my emotions. Being a disciple is really a test of faith, it makes you either draw back because of its difficulties or make you grab God's hand more and more for strength. I choose to respond heavenward, Jesus is faithful.

Passion Cry

I used to walk in darkness
I used to waste away
I used to live by pleasure
I used to live my way


You could've let me suffer
You could've turned away
But You said, "I know you"
"I've summoned you by name"


Now I will live for You
Now I will love
For You are my passion
My heart's satisfaction


I cry out to worship You
I pour out my love for You
Empty me of all I am
Fill me up with your love once again